This is a repost of an entry which originally appeared in my old blog,
http://cosmicbuttkick.blogspot.com, on Monday, July 19, 2004. I was thinking again about society's definitions of success and found this old entry. If you've struggled with finding your own definition of "success," you might relate to some of this. Enjoy! -- Editor
Monday, July 19, 2004
Today I spent an hour at my favorite coffeehouse, scribbling away on my latest horoscope column, hoping that the caffeine in my pot of Earl Gray tea would jump-start my brain and inspire the 40 or so jokes I have to work into each weekly Cosmic Butt Kick. Let me tell you, some weeks, it ain't easy. I feel like I'm doing a fresh comedy routine each week, only that would be easier. First I have to research all the astrological information on what the planets are doing. Then I have to spend hours looking up recent news events and getting my facts straight. Then I throw it all together and create a unique cosmic gumbo that, hopefully, will be tasty to readers and put a smile on their face. Writing this column is the big hurdle of the week, the thing that takes up all of my thoughts and energy. Any other work I'm trying to do comes after and around that.
While I appreciate having the opportunity to reach readers through my syndicated column, I also appreciate being paid. And, sometimes, clients just "forget" to pay me. The arts weeklies who are kind enough to publish me are all struggling, and some months, that advertising revenue doesn't come in as quickly as the accounting department might like, and my invoices get "misplaced." Still, my column is published each week, along with my byline, so I can at least have the satisfaction? pride? misplaced sense of hubris? that I can still call myself a professional writer. Even if you're paid pennies, or, as has been the case lately, a dribble of pennies every other month or so, you're still a professional. Besides writing the column, I'm constantly submitting proposals and "spec" material to other publications - magazines, websites, newspapers - you name it. And, oh, yes, I've been involved with a ludicrous and exhausting "chase for fame" over the past two years. I've written four book proposals, which is like writing your dissertation four times - not a pleasant process. With all the marketing research, outlines, PR material, and sample chapters I had to include, all available brain cells were taken up with creating that stuff. The chase for fame is winding down now, thank goodness. Life is returning to some semblance of sanity.
Some.
At the coffeehouse today I bumped into my buddy Rudy, a friendly, sharp and creative fellow whom I chat with a couple of times each month. We've had some lovely discussions over the past two years that I've known him, rambling on about everything from child-rearing to psychology to religion. Along the way, I've kept him updated about the latest blow-by-blow of my publishing misadventures. He's my cheerleader, always egging me on, encouraging my efforts. Today he was excited to see me. I would have enjoyed chatting with him for a while, but, alas, I was on another deadline and my brains were fried. No circuits were free for random chit-chat, and he sensed that. He sweetly wiped a table clean of crumbs for me so I could spread out all of my notebooks and messy papers (the detritus of the writer.) He asked me, "So tell me, are you successful yet? I'm rooting for you! I want to see your name up in lights."
Am I successful yet?
Well, I woke up healthy, well-fed, housed in a nice home, next to my honey and surrounded by adoring cats. That's successful.
I woke up without depleted uranium polluting my environment and ruining my neighborhood's health for the next century or so (unlike some people in Iraq and Afghanistan.)
I woke up knowing that, much as the power of censorship is alive and well, I could express myself openly and fully, in written or spoken form, without fear of arrest (at least for the moment.)
I do feel very blessed and abundant in all of the things that really count, and I truly give thanks for these things every day. And I know that Rudy, bless his heart, was just eager for the latest update about my TV and book publishing adventures. But it's funny - all I could think was - what creates success? Is it something we define for ourselves, or is it something we allow others to define for us? Is it an inner state or an outer one? Is it ours, or does it belong to somebody else? Is it an experience we are having or an experience others are having about us?
Am I unsuccessful because I don't have a TV show in development based on my unpublished memoir, even though a producer pitched it last year and might pitch it again sometime in 2004?
Am I unsuccessful because I haven't won the lottery lately? (Or ever, for that matter.) Does my lack of millions mean that I'm a failure? I haven't been able to loll about naked, fondling oodles of cash in recent months. Does that mean I'm a complete loser?
What about the approbation of people in the New York publishing world? As my proposals made the round last year, a good percentage of the editors who saw my stuff said I was a great writer and they'd love to publish me, but when they took my material to their sales director, marketing staff, and PR people, those folks said that they didn't think I had a big enough readership to guarantee that my book could "break out" in its category. That one was a head scratcher. I have over 2 million readers. I am the author of over 3000 professionally published columns, articles, essays, and humor pieces. I've appeared on dozens of radio stations and will be on many more in the years to come. What do you need, exactly, to land a book contract with a major publisher? Is it even possible anymore for people whose last name doesn't happen to be Clinton to receive a book contract, with even the customary average advance of $10,000 (15% of which goes to your literary agent?)
Am I not successful because of other people's lack of vision, commitment, passion, or "enthusiasm? " (That's the stock response of editors when they don't like your stuff. "Thanks for the opportunity to read this, but I'm afraid it didn't generate sufficient enthusiasm to justify a contract at this time.") Just how does a book proposal generate "enthusiasm?" Does it need to come equipped with a little cheerleader inside who will jump up and down while waving her pom-poms? If so, I wasn't informed about it. Guess I missed the boat on that one.
It was a very heady and exhausting two years, expecting a publishing or TV contract any moment and ending up with, well, the experience of having been, by turns, hopeful, exhausted, and then resigned. This January an editor was dangling a potential six figure deal in front of me and made noises about doing a series with me. What teases they all are.
How happy I am to have my life back, quiet though it is. My immediate sphere of influence is currently devoid of managers, agents, and publicists, and I have to say that I like it very much.
Self-publishing is now more affordable, available, and practical than it has ever been. And when you have a 30 book series like I do that you're working on, and nobody else is willing to pony up any cash to help you birth your babies, you just gotta do it yourself.
Loyal readers, please be patient. My website should be up by the end of August or early September at the latest. Meanwhile, books and articles and lots of fun stuff are on their way. **Editor's Note: As of August 2004, my website has been up.
http://www.lipstickmystic.com.
I've just had to do a lot of adapting as various other pathways to publication have dried up. Oh, I could have kept submitting my material through the nice agent I was working with at the end. Many smaller, quirky publishers would have probably loved my stuff. They would have paid me $2000-$10,000 and it would have taken two years before the book came out. I'd still be expected to do all of the marketing myself, and there would be no guarantee that my book would ever make it to bookstores, much less be sitting on the shelves for more than three months. (The average release doesn't stay in a store long. If the books aren't flying off the shelves into the hands of eager customers, they tend to get remaindered and shipped back to the warehouse.)
I've realized that my level of commitment about getting these works into print is very high. I'm not willing to barter with my soul or my creative energy, allowing others to control the sales, marketing, and distribution process. (Especially when there's zero money in it if I do it their way, anyway.)
Sigh.
So I didn't really know what to tell Rudy when he asked "Are you successful yet?" meaning "Have others trumpeted your talents and desireability to the world?" I think success has a different definition.
Success is being a sovereign being whom nobody else owns, controls, harms, or limits. Success is taking your message to the people directly and letting them decide if they like it. I've made a lot of adjustments to my attitude over the past six months. I'm no longer waiting for Hollywood to call. Well, I shouldn't say that. I did just email my producer friend to see if she is still interested in pitching my material for the 2005 season. She has a new sitcom on the fall lineup for 2004, which is great, but I don't know if that means there's no room to do my project or if it just means she'd like to pitch it as a season replacement or alternative project. Or maybe my Hollywood karma is all dried up. That's okay, too. I was never too certain of it, anyway.
There are many ways to reach people. There are many ways to spread love, laughter, and ideas. I'll get there, one way or another. And, if my soul remains intact, I'll consider myself a success. That's what it's all about - honoring your spirit's yearnings and the inspiration of the heart, and not letting anybody steal them away from you.
editor@lipstickmystic.com